A couple of months ago, I started seeing article postings on /film about Movie 43. But just as quickly as they came, talk about the film went silent. I didn't know why- the trailer had Emma Stone, Kieran Culkin(Macaulay Culkin's cousin), and a bunch of other funny people. The concept of the film was pitched as night of a thousand stars meets New Year's Eve, many groovy people in one feature length film. But, like I said, it came and went and I never saw any theaters in my area advertise a showing.
Then I found Movie 43. Just this afternoon I got around to watching it. I now know why it couldn't last in theaters. Let me give you an almost scene-by-scene sketch to save you the time. Despite it's start-studded glory, there are only two saving moments to the film.
The concept of the film is that these three boys are "April Fools-ing" each other. To install viruses on the nerdy younger brother's computer, they make up the illusive Movie 43(a film that will make you lose your intestines and go crazy). The little brother then becomes intent on finding this "banned" film. On his way, he discovers other movie clips or shorts. This is where all of the supposedly funny moments from TV/trailers come in. Kate Winslet is there, sure, she goes on a blind date with Hugh Jackman's character. This multi-faceted, prosperous man of Gotham(not kidding, they use Gotham as a general city) but there is just one thing wrong with him- he has testicles on his throat and everyone seems to be okay with it except Kate Winslet. At this point, I almost stopped watching, I love Emma Stone, but not enough for this, I thought. But I kept watching.
Then there is a segment about homeschooling parents. These two parents are entertaining their neighbors and tell them just how they homeschool their child. I think it was meant to be funny but somehow missing somewhere amongst the parents pretending they are in high school(throwing parties, trying to have the "awkward first kiss" with their son) and their all-around bullying of their son(detentions, pushing, all-around confusing him). The scene ends with the neighbors meeting the son, whom is going out with friends and a girl- we think, oh okay they were kidding and he's normal. NOPE, instead his "girl" is a scarecrow(read:like in the fields) with his mom's face taped to the bag-head. Overall, a painful-not funny scene.
Now we get to meet Anna Faris' character. We start out at a lovely picnic scene, with chocolate covered strawberries and the probability of a proposal. The couple have been dating a year: the man wants to propose and Faris wants...him to poo on her..in the bedroom. We the watch a scene between his friends and him, who are totally cool with the idea of what she wants. We then have to watch him shovel burritos. And then instead of just getting the act over, she flirts it out and eventually is offended and leaves the house. It does end in a proposal, but not before he gets hit by a minicooper and poos in the street. This scene, if I wasn't cued in before, should have been where I stopped.
In between all of these, keep in mind the boys are still hunting for Movie 43 and instead start being intercepted by people who don't want them to watch it- turns out Movie 43 exists somewhere...
Shortly after this, we get to meet Stone and Culkin's characters. They have an odd relationship, she seems to be the one that got away. They have an exchange in a SuperMarket that catches everyone's attention. A couple of funny moments, also thinking how hard it must have been to keep a straightface as Culkin feels up her face and delivers some cheezy lines. The scene ends with the other customers covering for him so her can 'get the girl.' But we don't get to see that. Again we are transplanted.
Somewhere amidst all of this we watch a commercial for the "iBabe," an MP3 player in the shape of a full-figured naked woman. The commercial is just like an iTunes one, except this naked woman hangs out amongst them. A bit later in the film we have a somewhat funny scene that discusses how boys buying the iBabe try to ..."play" with it and therefore are loosing fingers, hands, and their penises. This scene has Richard Gere and Aasif Mandvi. It's a sort of funny concept and I admit I had a chuckle or two.
After this we have a chance to laugh, hopefully, when Justin Long appears on screen dressed as Roin- boy wonder. In a terrible costume, he is at a Gotham Speed Dating session. And, of course, Batman is there to foul it up. Batman is Jason Sudeikis. Robin ends up going through no successful dates because of Batman, who is there to stop a bomb, and even misses shots with Lois Lane(UMa Therman) and SuperGirl(Kristen Bell). When the Penguin presents the bomb on SuperGirl, Roin saves the day! And gets to make out with SuperGirl! Sounding like fan fiction? Don't worry, Batman unmasks SuperGirl as the Riddle and the whole thing was a sham. End scene.
Somewhere after this, we have a scene that I genuinely thought was the highlight of the scene. It stars Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Chloë Grace Moretz, and Patrick Warburton. Middleschool boy kisses middle school girl. Middle school girl gets her period. Middleschool boy and older brother flip a lid and try to figure out how to stop the bleeding, which s only like a small spot but obvious in white pants. Warburton is the boys dad and he tries to explain to them what s happening to her body. Middle school girl's dad drops in and thinks they are bothering his daughter/poor hosts. Anyways, it's all pretty comical and totally realistic, at least to me.
I could go on because there is still a scene with Halle Berry(which ends with her blind date having gone in for surgery and looking Asian and her totally Botoxed out) and Gerard Butler playing a leprechaun who is super foul and a birthday present for Sean Williams Scott from Johnny Knowxville(who's pretty cute when he's not being a jackass). Whatever you do, do not watch the bits in the credits. Jason Duhamel owns a cat who wants to do him, that's all you gotta know. It's not sexy and brinks on the edge of a horror-movie when his cat tries to kill Elizabeth Banks, his girlfriend. But the kids next door do that for the cat.
If you're curious about an ending, Movie 43 is found despite all of the warning not to, and the kids are part of a Terminator Parody. Future travelers whom made a movie to stop themselves from finding Movie 43 in the first place. By watching the movie, they have brought on the Armageddon their future selves were trying to prevent.
My rating? 1.5 stars out of 10. Why 1.? Justin Long and Emma Stone did not disappoint. And I was honestly laughing at the period scene. Besides that, I paused the movie so many times, I was not into it. I went around my house, made lunch, did dishes, went on Facebook. I feel like some of the crap I have seen on YouTube's Comedy week were funnier than this, and those were by amateurs! Anyways, before I dig too deep a comedy hole, save yourself the time and go see The Hangover 3 or something.
Better review days have been had.
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